The Benevolent Dictator

There's something to be said about being a dictator. You have absolute rule over... well, everything. Your word is the last word. There is no arguing, no negotiation, no backtalk. Your subjects obey you, and your world would be at peace.

I would love to be a dictator for a day.

Don't get me wrong -- I'd be a great dictator. A benevolent dictator. I wouldn't ask you to do the weird or the wacky, nor would I ask you to do something that's immoral or dangerous.

I'd just ask you to go to the bathroom. And I'd expect you to go to the bathroom with no arguments, no whining, no falsehoods about how you "don't have to go pee" even as you release a floodgate of pee.

I'd ask you to get dressed. There's nothing wrong with being naked. You just can't be naked all the time. Even as a dictator, there are rules of decorum that would prohibit me from driving around town with you naked in my car. Plus it's 60 degrees outside and I don't want to hear you whining about how cold it is when all you had to do was LISTEN to me in the first place about getting dressed.

I'd ask you to eat. And eat fast. I'd like to finish a meal in this lifetime. There is to be no loitering over your meal for 2 hours, no taking a bite that essentially amounts to a mere shaving of your food. And you will chew your food for a total of 5-8 times before swallowing. There is no need for excessive chewing as you do not need to liquefy your food before swallowing. Nor is there to be food hoarding in your mouth. Under my dictatorship I will guarantee that there will be plenty of food. So please, just chew and swallow your food.

I'd ask you clean up your mess. You made it, you clean it. There's no whining, no I can't do it's, no it's too hard's, no excuses. If I can't walk across the way, then it's too messy. The amount of time it takes you to try to negotiate your way out of cleaning, you could have cleaned the entire kingdom. Twice.

Those are pretty simple, straightforward rules that I'd expect you to follow like a good subject. And in exchange, as your ruler, I'd feed you a nice variety of healthy foods. I'd clothe you in the latest fashion. I'd make sure your favorite programs are TIVO'ed. I'd take care of your every needs as they arise. And as a bonus, because I am a benevolent dictator, you would be guaranteed 2 books for naptime and 3 for bedtime.

Now doesn't that sound nice?