The Beetle Shirt

It's funny how children who come from the same womb and raised in the same household can be so different in their interests and personality.

Kael is the science nerd. He loves watching the "science channel" on TV. Given a choice between doing a sports activity and a science activity, he'll inevitably head for the lab. Bugs, planets, robots, animal life, Planet Earth -- that's his cup of tea.

Malia is the ultimate girl. She wakes up in the morning and the first thing she pulls on is the Princess Dress. She's hands-on involved in what she wears and has very specific ideas as to what color will be next to her skin (much to my dismay). There is an order to what her princess figures wear and woe to that unfortunate parent who tries to change the princess' outfit without permission.

With the kids constantly in each other's company, you'd figure one's interest would rub off a little on the other, right?

Wrong.

Today in my madness, we headed off to the mall. Kael had the day off from school so it was me and all three kids. By myself. At the mall. One stroller. I know. Crazy.

Anyway, we're on the road driving to the mall. We're close, about 2 blocks away. I'm talking on the phone with a girlfriend when all of a sudden Malia starts crying. Sobbing. What the....?! I look back to see what the heck was going on. Her left arm was up by her head and it looked like she was frozen. What caught me was the look on her face: terror? pain? fear? I couldn't tell. It was all that mixed in. I asked her what's wrong?

Malia: (crying) something... something... beetle shirt.
Me: What?!
Malia: (crying some more) something... something... beetle shirt.

This gets repeated several more times. I'm getting frustrated, she's getting even more upset. I think maybe her finger got caught in her hair? In the back of the seat? She was stuck? But what was that about a beetle shirt?! Is she saying beetle shirt? What could she be saying that might sound like beetle shirt? But even Kael thought she said something about a beetle shirt.

WTF is a beetle shirt?!

I finally get her to calm down a little bit. Take a deep breath, and another deep breath. OK, not too many - you're hypervenilating. Slowly now. Tell me slowly.

Malia: Momma! (sob) Get that. (sob, sob, heavy breathing). BEETLE OFF MY SHIRT! (shrieking in terror)

At the exact moment, I see it. A brown beetle. She unloaded another scream.

And then it ran across her chest belt to sit on her shoulder harness. By now, Malia is so freaked out, her screams are silent. She's utterly petrified. I just see her wide open mouth, eyes bugged out in terror (hehe - "bugged out" - get it?) but she's frozen in fear lest the beetle jump at her. Poor poor Malia.

And then Kael perks up: Beetle? Really? Where? I want to see!
This is when I wanted to slap my forehead.

I can't reach her so I tell her to sit still and I'll get it off when I stop the car. She immediately screams "NO NO! GET THE BEETLE OFF MY SHIRT NOW! NOW MOMMA, NOW!!"

I feel for the girl. She's obviously terrified so I ask Kael to get it for me. Except the boy is like... you can't verbally direct him to look for something to save his life. It's on her shoulder and I don't know what the hell he's looking at but he can't see it. It's not a small beetle - a little bigger than a pencil eraser -- so the fact that he can't see it is beyond comprehension. So I take Taede's wash cloth and throw it at her, hoping to dislodge it. I miss. She immediately throws it back at me for a second attempt. We do this unsuccessfully a few times and then I tell Kael to do it; I need to focus on driving.

He finally sees the beetle and he thinks it's way cool. Forgets to take a swipe at the beetle and instead starts asking questions about the damn thing: what kind of beetle is it? How did it get there? What does it eat?

And then (and I totally think he did this on purpose to get back at Malia for all the rotten things she's done to him) he says: Do you think it's mean? Do you think it'll bite Malia?

I whip my head around to shush him but the damage is already done. Malia's eyes all but fall out of their socket and she starts screaming: GET THE MEAN BEETLE OFF ME! GET THE MEAN BEETLE OFF ME!

Holy cow. Just when I think there are limits to her level of terror, it gets ratcheted up another few notches.

I immediately tell her of course it's not mean! It likes you that's why it's sitting there.

Kael: How do you know, Mom? How do you know it's not mean? How do you know it doesn't want to bite her? Won't it hurt if it bites her? Hurt real bad, right?
Me: KAEL KEEP QUIET! STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW! Malia, the beetle won't bite you. It's just sitting there. It's not moving at all. NO KAEL, NO MORE TALKING FROM YOU!

Mercifully we pull into a parking spot and I run out to get Malia. I brush the beetle off and she flies into my arms, shaking. Kael in the meantime is looking for the beetle and says that he can't find it. It must still be in her seat.

Ugh. Talk about two totally different kids.