The Glamourous Life of a Mom

Being a mom, one of my duties is to keep track of my kids' bowel movements. There's no calendar that you're checking off, no schedule that you're writing down... you just keep a mental record in your head of how many days have gone by and when to expect the next BM. After a while you sort of just know when.

Kael is more problematic than Malia. She eats way more fruit and veggies so even if she doesn't go every day, she's pretty consistent at every other day at least. Whenever Kael gets backed up, I feed him oatmeal and that will get things back on track by that afternoon. Malia also gets a dose of oatmeal too because you can never eat too much oatmeal, right?

I know you're all wondering (and anticipating) where this is leading. You won't be disappointed.

So a couple of days ago, I suddenly realized that Malia hadn't pooped in 2 days. Holy cow! Not only that, she ate oatmeal the day before and still no golden nuggets in her diaper. Clearly this called for another dose of oatmeal for breakfast in addition to more fruits and veggies.

Yesterday afternoon as I was getting the kids ready for naps, which included a shower for Malia, she disappeared into her room. This was a good sign as that meant she was trying to poop. I walked into her room and she started crying. Poor little baby -- she was so constipated. She asked me to hold her so there we sat in her room as she tried to push the offending poop out. After 10 long minutes of grunting and crying, her saggy diaper proclaimed success (as if the smell wasn't a good enough indicator). I asked her if she was done (Yes.) and did she want me to change her diaper? (Yes.) Are you sure you're done? (Yes.) Do you need to poop some more? (No, momma.) OK, good enough for me. So I washed her bottom and tossed her in my shower. I went back to her bathroom to clean up and get clean clothes ready. Then I heard her crying and I thought: shoot, was the water too warm? too cold? I ran back and threw open the shower door....

And saw a poop hanging out of her butt. As I stood there in shock (neither of my kids have ever had a poop accident in the shower or tub), it fell off and hit the drain where (amazingly) it stood upright. Like a little brown troll wearing a pointy hat.

Holy cow - what do I do? What do I do?? I told her to "Hold on, Malia! Don't touch it!" and got a plastic bag from under the sink and a sizeable wad of toilet paper. I opened the shower door again and the Little Troll was still standing up. Malia (having never seen her poop before) was clearly fascinated with it and inched out a toe to touch it.

"NO DON'T TOUCH IT!"

My dilemma was how was I going to get it out? Do I turn off the water and take her out so I could get the Troll in the bag? But I need to wash her bottom first. Plus she'd get cold. I couldn't use my large wad of toilet paper - it'd just get torn up in the shower spray, go down the drain, clog it and then I'd have poop soup in the shower. Do I use the plastic bag and wrap my hand around it? Then I'd get water all over the bathroom when I went to dump the bag. I needed to make a decision fast because that toe was creeping out again.

"MALIA, DON'T TOUCH IT!"

So I did the unthinkable. Just remember, as parents you do whatever it takes to keep your kids safe and comfortable and happy. In this case, I touched poop. Yes, I picked up the Little Troll with my two fingers and plopped it in the bag. I double-knotted the bag and threw it in another bag, double-knotted that bag, and left it in her potty to take out. I then washed my hands in scalding hot water with Cetaphil cleansing soap. But I deemed that was too gentle (it says it right there on the label: "Gentle enough for babies") so I ran to the kids' bathroom and washed my now red hand from hot water in more hot water and washed with their soap. It was still too gentle so I took some Clorox wipes I keep under the sink for bathroom accidents and very diligently scrubbed every finger. On the way back to my bathroom, I grabbed a cup from the kids' play kitchen and filled it up with Listerine. I swirled my fingers in the blue stuff for good measure. I figured if Listerine could kill bad breath germs for 12 hours, it could probably do some damage to poop germs, right?

As I stood there with my fingers soaking blue Listerine, I happened to look over at the shower and noticed that Malia was standing on the perimeter of the shower spray. That's odd, I thought. She's usually the poster child for those soap commercials where she's in the middle of the spray with her face turned up into the water with a blissed-out expression. This time was she looking down, standing to the side. With a feeling of dread, I wash my fingers and open the shower door.

Sure enough, Little Troll invited 3 Troll Friends to come visit. But this time, they weren't standing up. They were on their sides, looking kind of beat up. Hopefully that was because they were in direct line of the shower spray and not because Malia was stomping on them.

"MALIA DON'T TOUCH IT!!"

I had no idea how long they've been there but it was long enough to where I couldn't pick them up. I'd just end up smearing it. So once again, I put on my Mommy Cape and used my freshly disinfected finger to push the Troll Friends through the drain. Then I took the shower head off and blasted the drain clean at close range on pulse setting. I then soaped Malia (twice), took her out, dressed her and disinfected my fingers again. I threw out the cup along with the poop bag.

Not exactly a shining moment in Mommy-hood, but this shows the sacrifices you make when you become a parent. It also teaches a very good lesson: Don't trust the word of a 22 month old.