For Sale

FOR SALE: A 4 year old boy.

Potty trained and can self dress (he just lacks the desire to do so). Will need the occasional reminder that underwear does not belong on your head and sock heels go on the bottom (no, the socks aren't "broken"), other than that he's pretty self sufficient. You will need to insist on using the potty before leaving the house. Don't take NO for an answer.

He is in great health as evidenced by his constant running and jumping, especially in places where he's not supposed to run and jump. If you have small children and/or pets, he will need to be reminded to not try and jump over said small children/pets. Same goes for puddles of all sizes and murkiness. Constant reminders may be needed.

Oral health in excellent condition. He has very strong teeth that will break skin when used to bite Daddy's back while rough-housing. He has a bit of a drool problem but that can be remedied by reminders to "swallow your spit." Again, constant reminders will be needed, especially during play otherwise expect to get drooled on.

His hearing ability is up for debate. We think he can in fact hear us; he just chooses not to listen. However, the level of not listening to Mommy and Daddy is such that we have to assume there is some hearing loss. How else can we explain why the near constant reminders to "put your toys away, " "time for dinner," "get in the shower," "put your clothes on," and "get in the car" go unheeded? How can anyone with normal hearing (or listening ears in good working order) not listen and comply to the reminders that turn into threats of privileges taken away and time-outs?

In accordance with the Lemon Law, I do have to tell you that he does get lippy. Very lippy. The backtalk and outright refusal to adhere to the House Rules and the Mommy's and Daddy's Law (aka the Because I Said So Law) is at an all time high. In fact, just about every request to do something not in line with what he wants at the moment will be subject to complete noncompliance, the Stinky Face and the Bratty Voice. Threats of spankings and time-outs will need to be administered to achieve performance. And don't expect a speedy performance. You will be subject to feet dragging and ceaseless whining.

Our best solution: send him to bed early and ignore the loud singing. Eventually he will fall asleep and tomorrow is a new day.

Repeat that: Tomorrow is a new day.